It was my plan at one point to become a high school teacher, primarily because I have never believed that my dream of being a writer could ever be a reality. But being here in college, here with incredible, supportive professors and friends, I have come to the point where I have actually started believing that my dream could be a reality. But I have also learned something else, and this reality has struck me very hard within the past week. I have realized that, for many years, I have been trying to turn myself into someone I’m not, never believing that the real me could ever be accepted…by anyone. I have always believed that my dreams must always stay dreams and that the real me is someone only I can appreciate, someone who must stay behind closed doors, hidden from public view. I was really reflecting on this problem this afternoon, which, in turn, inspired this new poem. I haven’t quite figured everything out, and changing my behavior, learning to love and appreciate who I really am, will take time, but I know now that, at least, I need to start letting the real me shine. And while I’m working on that, I hope you enjoy this poem.
I have a secret I’ll never tell;
A secret sin, I know it well.
With ebbing life and crimson flow,
With painful death, I surely know,
My only victim you will find:
A girl of strength of heart and mind,
A girl of laughter, a girl with fears,
One who smiles despite her tears.
What makes her special I dare not know.
I resolve to kill her so she won’t grow.
I fear her laughter, I fear her pain;
I fear to know what people say;
What they might say if they saw her true,
I fear to know what they would do.
And so I kill her so they won’t see
The girl that lives inside of me.
I fear to let the real Me shine,
Yet still for her I yet will pine.
I’ve caged her up, I’ve gagged her face;
I’ve starved her soul, I’ve murdered her grace.
I’ve done all that I know I can
To hide her from the world of man,
Hoping that I never will see
The day when someone rejects Me.